All the roads are suicide
All the doors are suicide
All the ways are suicide
All the paths are suicide
All the exits are suicide
All the docks are suicide
All the passages are suicide
All the issues are suicide
But yet I’m still alive.
***
I thought of this poem watching Babel yesterday (yeah I’m 2 years late), a brilliant reflexion about frontiers and all the shapes they can take.
Friday night, the young and new member for the electoral division where I live was holding an assembly to meet his electors. As I don’t live in this town for long and never voted here, this was an excellent opportunity to get to know what he was made of.
The assembly was held at a soup kitchen so about the third of the room was filled of messed-up/drunk hobos – I guess they couldn’t be told to go away for a while. The guy spoke for about an hour about hot issues, mainly health, his own field, then we had the opportunity to ask him questions. I watched the process and near the end, I went to the microphone to ask my own question about prevention in our healthcare system. The guy has been elected in the opposition, so he complains at the government daily and tells how things should be. I wanted to hear him about we can change our ways of doing things to have a healthier society. Instead of asking a general question, I gave the example of the way we do agriculture, as food is a huge factor of health.
He did a wonderful session of figure skating.
His party likes the way things are in agriculture. He can’t say it’s bad. He also insisted on how we can easily find some nice biological food section in any grocery. Therefore, everything is fine.
But I wanted to hear his views about prevention. I went back to the point.
Then, he said it’s hard. Very hard. People wants result now. They want money now. It’s hard. Hard to fight for more prevention. It’s very tempting to go for the instant solution.
I got back on my chair and another question was asked.
I was expecting him to bring me some vision. Some dreams. Some “this is the way I’d do things if I was in charge”. Content. Ideas. Lyricism, if possible. Not hearing about how hard it is to improve things. As if he was already in charge. Already feeling is hands are tied.
Mine are too. I won’t vote for him.
I could go back in the next assemblies and ask even more seditious questions until I find a breach in him for hope – or until I get blacklisted by his staff and thrown out. He may be a nice guy but the actual parties ruling Quebec are dull.
Then, did I say to myself, shouldn’t I volunteer for the Greens? As they are the only party that fits my values.
I guess it depends of my political choice for the next elections: abstentionism or voting for the don’t-stand-a-damn-chance-poor-and-poorly-organised Greens.
I have to choose between lucidity and hope.
If I reach my BMI objective this year (from 32 to 21), I would like to run the Montreal Marathon in 2009. Maybe this year I’ll try to run the 10 km race.
If poverty is indeed poison, politicians are therefore ______.
Into this confused blurry moment
between
sleep and consciousness
possible dreams and impossible realities
when dawn turns into morning
I would like to be.
The puddle of spring water
reflects
dancing
the carols of the sun.
What’s worse than dealing with IBS? Handling it with moronic behaviour. Two weekends ago, I buy some homemade style cookies with my grocery. I decide to eat the whole thing as a dessert. After, I don’t feel great and then the pain shows up at night for a few hours. Last weekend, I try some healthy chocolate cookies with high fibers and low sugar, but once again I eat the whole thing. And boom, another crisis. This weekend, what do I do? Buying the same homemade cookies I bought two weeks ago and eat them the same way… Now it’s past 4 am and my guts still hurt.
I gotta stop falling into cookie bags (and chips bags). I can eat them, but not the whole thing… Is it only a matter of will power??
What I don’t understand however is why no matter when I overeat through the day, I always suffer through the night. It makes sense if I overeat late, but not if I did it in the middle of the day.
I might buy this book pretty soon: IBS for Dummies. There are also a few receipe books about IBS but don’t know if it’s such a good deal… I see my problem as a matter of behaviour.
I looked at the bottomless wound
throwing echoes
of all the wrongdoings.
At last ! My book is now available on Amazon !
The simple cover is pretty much a statement: books are about content, not nice looking covers.
I’m wondering how much I would freak people up at work if I had a mug with my own face on it.
My body remembered me, loudly, that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome – IBS. Two painful Saturday nights in a row. Last night’s episode was very long (maybe the longest I experienced so far) and pretty painful. Both times, it’s totally my fault. 75% of the time, maybe, I experience it the day I make the grocery. Treats I overconsume and bang. People with IBS should avoid big meals and too much fat at once. So it’s totally my fault. I don’t remember any crisis without overeating.
But I also realized that some of anticancer and low-carb food are not compatible with the kind of diet people should have. That’s the paradox of IBS. Healthy food can (could) harm me. But way less than going through a whole bag of cookies after a big meal.
I should eat with care red meat (had Saturday), nuts (had Friday night), chips (had both last Saturday nights…), cabbage (had a whole one through the week)… Chips seem to be involved in most of the episodes I experience but most often AFTER I already crossed the line. Otherwise, I would never eat chips…
The most ironic part of an IBS diet involves problems with very health food with insoluble fibers. Things like beans, apples, grapefruits, oranges, spinach, lettuce, onions, broccoli, cauliflower, cucumbers, fresh herbs… These can be eaten but with care and preferably not on an empty stomach. In the other side, most of the recommended food has a high glycemic index.
But what I remember of my past crisis over the years mostly involves fat. So, by avoiding overeating and managing the fat I eat, I can possibly eat everything I want.
I do however have to rethink the whole picture by giving less space to low-carb and anticancer food. I don’t know if I ever going to have cancer. I know however I am lowering the risk by becoming fit instead of fat.
Fish, soy, oat, beets are still recommended in both sides. I guess I really have to try soy…
But, another paradox, I suspect that losing weight stresses my body enough to raise the risk of a crisis – even if the main risk there comes from a day of excess after many days of efforts. So, that’s not a reason to stop losing weight, 15 pounds since the beginning of the year.
I think losing weight is my #1 stress source right now. I don’t consume much negative energy in any field these days.
What I wonder is if my creativity is a factor. Would writing prose help? Is there a conflict between the two sides of my brain (I want to create vs. what for ?)? Does poetry fulfill my creativity needs? Is it mostly about some kind of cathartic experience? Letting some dark areas out?
Anyway, that’s still that hamburger and cookie bag combo I mostly cursed last night, not lack of creativity.
As I had some time to google last night and some motivation to find a way out of this (IBS can’t be cured, only avoided), I learned about visceral osteopathy. I don’t like the picture but I think I’ll seek someone to play with my viscera…
Let’s just hope I learned my lesson with dumb overeating.
Deposited loves
like bygone shadows
in my heart.
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